The Nature of Friendship

I'm not very good at the whole friend thing. I think I have a vulnerable or needy aura, and so I tend to let people know more than they should at first meeting. I let them get to a certain point, and then I give them an almighty shove. That's what I did with my friend M. She came back from holiday to find that I had disappeared halfway around the world without telling her.

I want friends, I need friends.....but I am unable to maintain healthy relationships. Either the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head and makes me resentful and dishonest (Oh really, you're moving to Costa Rica? Yes, I've been there. It's too wet for me. But still, you'll enjoy it) or I just can't develop the friendship. It's as though everyone else has people they can call up and chat with on a whim. I have noone. And when it looks like I'm making a new friend, it suddenly becomes apparent to me that they have hundreds of other friends, and they are just being nice. They don't really want to spend any time with me.

How do you balance this? This desperation for people to talk to, to call up and chat with, and the fear of anyone getting too close? It's like a seesaw. You both get on, smiling shyly at each other, and then unpredictably, the balance shifts. More often than not, they are the one to fall off, and walk away.

I have more email friends, possibly because I find it easier to express myself in writing than in face-to-face contact. But I would never call them. There are people that I email on a regular basis that I haven't spoken to in decades. I'm not sure what I would say to them on the phone.

Then I go to the supermarket and make eye contact with someone - and think, she looks nice. Perhaps we could be friends. I am so busy craving new friends that I neglect the ones I already have.